No One Can Define My Sobriety (Or Life) But Me

It’s no surprise to most people when I tell them I don’t drink.

Whether they’ve seen me out of control in the past or have read my articles, I am finally open about being sober these days- and that’s a breath of fresh air.

I’ve made mistakes, though.

There have been many relapses (or “slips,” as some may say) since deciding to get sober in 2011, including a full two and a half years where I went back to drinking consistently.  I damaged relationships and racked up many, many new stories during that period of time, yet I learned a lot about myself- and what I do and don’t want out of life.

I went back to drinking several times while living in Boston, racked up even more stories, and learned that a structured recovery program gives me more anxiety than it does comfort and strength.  Although community helps many people, I am more of a one-on-one type of person.  I believe in therapy, working on yourself, and taking responsibility for your actions.

This may be controversial, but this is my truth:

I don’t want or need entities or other people to determine the quality of my sobriety.

I’m the only one who has to determine what is best for my life- and I want people to judge who I am based on my character, not my sobriety date.

I have a serious issue with groups who judge or push others to open up about things to they don’t want to.  There is no “one size fits all” method for anything in life, and putting down the booze is no different.  I have put so much pressure on myself over the years and have had immense anxiety about what other people think of me- but I am done with that.  

I’m honest with my family, good friends, and even strangers online- and that works for me.

There are several friends of mine who aren’t “in recovery” who have told me the same thing- that I don’t have anything to prove to anyone but myself. “You don’t drink now,” two of them said. “That’s all you need to say.”

Below is something my friend of 22 years texted me yesterday:

Amen.

It’s also no one else’s business if I am on a prescription, if someone has Medical Assisted Treatment, or what “date” someone put down the drink.

It’s my life, not theirs.

People have the option to do what works for them.  For me, it’s connecting with people who are healthy and aligned with my spirit.  It’s nature, writing, and self discovery.  It’s mediation and mindfulness.  It’s been open and honest about who I am and what I stand for.  It’s living in my truth, and living a spiritual life of reflection and growth.

I hope my own journey can inspire someone who go on their own journey, no matter what way it may lead.

Never let anyone make you feel bad about choosing your path- you know what’s in your heart and in your soul.

People Pleasing

I caught myself in a wicked web- and I’m not talking about Halloween spiderwebs.

No, I’m referring to a web of lies that went out of control- lies I knew at the time would bite me in the butt, just like a spider, actually.

I didn’t mean it.  I went along with assumptions about me and what my life in Boston was like, quickly to realize I was stuck.  With a new job opportunity and people supporting a path I wasn’t sure I wanted to take, I realized I wasn’t being authentic.

I was doing and saying things to please other people, not doing what was in my heart.

Half truths, I realized I need to have a conversation with one of my good friends.  A face to face conversation.  A conversation that may leave me with my tail between my legs, but would set me free.

Looking to re-integrate into the community, I began to connect with people and tried to appear much stronger than I am.  I didn’t want anyone to view my abrupt move as a weakness, to offer me help, or to view me as broken.

Things didn’t exactly leave off pretty in Boston.  I quit my job, I left my apartment, and packed my things up with my mom.  It wasn’t a move I expected, but it was the perfect time for me to come home nevertheless.

As I look at what aligns with my heart and my goals for my life in Michigan, there’s a lot of things I may have done in the past to gain acceptance- but today I don’t have to do those things.

I know what works for me for my social life, my sobriety, and my overall mental health.  I know who is supportive, what I want, and where I see my life going.  Dishonesty doesn’t please people at all, and it especially won’t make me feel content.

Oh, the tangled webs we weave- but now I can unwind them and be true to myself.

That’s true freedom.

No Need To Worry: Letting Life Unfold

Transitions are never easy, even if you’ve just moved back to your own hometown.

Being back in beautiful Traverse City has already been such a joy and a breath of fresh air.  Yet, I have to wonder:

What’s next?

The biggest difference between my life in Boston and my life in Traverse City is being supported by family and friends. I know I am back where I belong, especially after over a decade of different cities, states, and experiences.

I wonder where my career is going, where I will live, and who I will spend my time with- but it’s already unfolding.

I’ve had the most amazing people in my life reach out to me and have already connected with job prospects. I’ve written every day, have had meetings, and have been supported by old friends who have helped me. I’ve accepted this help, but most of all, I’ve accepted their love.

It’s important to remember to live one step at a time, to keep it in the day, and to know that life is unfolding just as it should.

Right Where I Belong

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One of Traverse City’s gems is a bookstore downtown called Higher Self.  I remember going there with my mom when I was a teenager to see a psychic- which must have been the beginning of my love for anything and everything spiritual.

A friend of mine told me about their Metaphysical Fair, which was held on this afternoon, featuring readings of all kinds.

My reading was a reminder that I am exactly where I belong- right here in the moment.

The decision to move home from Boston came easily, but the uncertainty of where my life will lead is natural.  What’s next?  Where will I be in a year?  Where will I be tomorrow?

The thing is, I don’t need to know right now; I just need to continue doing what I am doing.

Thanks to my reading with Traci, I am reassured that I need to continue to communicate my struggles, my strengths, and help other people realize they are right where they belong, too.

Writing, public speaking, and all forms of communication are my passions- and I am so excited to see where my journey will lead me along this road called life.

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