Embracing Feminine Energy

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Over the past few months I have started to notice a shift in my behavior and mindset.  My defensive, aggressive nature has started to lift and I am beginning to embrace my nurturing, peaceful side.  I have been provided many opportunities to focus my energy on caregiving; tending to plants, helping other women and learning from Clarissa the cat.

This may sound silly, but I have learned many lessons from animals and nature. These earthly blessings are also forms of my higher power; I believe we receive messages through other living things.  I have learned to open my mind and heart in order to receive these messages from the universe through spending time near the water, caring for Clarissa, and bringing my wilting plants back to life.  These simple, yet meaningful activities have also helped me to have the ability to have compassion for others, resulting in being able to lend a hand to other women who have gone through the same struggles as I have.

After a very full and happy day, I drew a Goddess Card last night to guide me in my “next step.”  I am currently in a career transition and have developed an amazing community here in the Boston area, but I still have wonders about where my path may lead.

Clarissa may have picked up on my energy, because she jumped right in to assist.  I focused my intention on my next move; where do I direct my energy?  While my life is very positive and whole, I knew there was something I was lacking or needed to embrace.

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Then, I drew Hathor.

Hathor: “Allow yourself to receive. This will increase your intuition, energy, and ability to give to others.”

Message from Hathor: “You have a maternal side to you that naturally cares for those in need, yet this must be balanced with receptivity or the flow is blocked. Receiving is the essence of feminine energy, and it means allowing yourself to receive with grace and gratitude. If you feel guilty when asking others for help, or if you feel bad about receiving gifts, then you block your feminine energy. Your receptivity is must as natural as your nurturing, giving energy. Receptivity allows you to better hear the voices of the angels. When you receive, you have more resources to give to others. Begin by noticing the hundreds of gifts you receive each day, whether it is seeing beauty in nature, witnessing a touching human moment, or being hugged by a loved one. Simply say “Thank you” for each gift, and know that they are filling up your store house, keeping the Divine flow going strong.”

The Divine flow!  Just last night I spoke with a friend (who is a therapist and mindfulness teacher) about feminine energy and having the ability to receive.  Accepting love and receiving positive energy used to be such a struggle for me.  She mentioned the “divine shift” of 2012, which was my first time hearing of this!  I got goosebumps once I dug into my own research on this shift.

In a world full of ego, power struggles and greed, I was amazed and inspired- perhaps this is what I am experiencing!  While I used to block love, help or nurturing as a defense mechanism from getting hurt or being abandoned, today I am beginning to live in faith, not fear, and allowing others into my life.  Each lesson, animal, day spent in nature or person who reaches out to me is a blessing (and a sign) that I do need to embrace my  feminine side in order to love, and receive that same love in return.

Learning to live in peace, not pride, creates such a bigger world for ourselves.  It is easy to get tied up in power, money and ego, but by allowing that feminine energy to flow, you can step out of the darkness and into a loving, content life.

This morning I am grateful- and I look forward to the gifts the rest of the day brings.

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Gratitude

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“You can’t be fearful and grateful at the same time.”

As I reflect on the past five months in Massachusetts- where I was at before I arrived, where I was at when I settled in, and where I am at now, I think about how resistant I was to ask for help.  I felt I needed to be strong; that I needed to do everything on my own in order to prove to those around me (particularly the naysayers) that I could bounce back from a difficult year.

It was a lonely place- a place I was stuck in until very recently.

I have always been fearful of rejection and criticism.  Instead of focusing on self-care when I got here, I focused on appearing like everything was fine.  Deeply lonely but throwing myself into work, I journaled, read self-help books, created my blog, meditated and more- but I still found myself isolated and empty.

Over the years I looked for external ways to fill the void inside; shopping, alcohol, dating. Although I learned that those things only made me feel emptier inside, I failed to do the one thing that I had been resisting for so long: looking for spirituality through other people.

With a clear head and wide eyes, my fear is starting to slip away. Over the past couple of weeks I have opened my heart and myself up to those around me; the people that have given me love, hope and strength.  There have been many changes in my life and within my own perspective that I have recently acknowledged, and one of those changes lies within my purpose.  I have felt I have merely been “going through the motions” for the past few months, wondering “what exactly is the meaning of life?”  As I continue to write, help others and look for a career that fits my passions and my purpose (spreading the message of hope to others who have been through what I have), I have nothing but gratitude from the women in my life, especially here in Cambridge, who have shown me that I am whole on my own.

This morning I have an immense amount of gratitude to those who have helped make my transition easier, have taught me to lighten up, and helped me learn to love myself.

Thanks to a little help from my friends, I live in the solutions- not the problems.

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Boston: Chapter Two

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It has been about five months since I started this blog, just six days after I took a one-way flight to Boston.

Prior to coming here I had no idea what my plan was- after over two years in New York City, a failed attempt at trying out Chicago, and finally taking a much-needed month long reset in Mississippi, I followed my intuition and spiritual guides… and found myself back on the East Coast.  It feels wonderful to be on the water, where I belong; where I feel at peace.

Over the years I had a lot of shame in telling my story, but now I finally feel ready to free myself of this.  People often look at me strangely when I explain the past decade of my life.  Somehow, for some reason, it’s unfathomable for a 20-something year old from the Midwest to have lived in various cities across the US.  They can’t wrap their heads around the fact that I’ve tried different types of jobs, been in several different relationships, and lived in the North, South, East and West.

Most of society seems to enjoy consistency and stability.  Personally, I like to challenge myself- and what better time to learn who you are than when you’re young and unattached?  I am always searching, always seeking a deeper purpose or meaning.  That’s just me.

Back in November, I had no idea what I would find in Boston.  I didn’t know where I would work, where I would live, who I would be friends with or how I would fill my spare time, but I knew it would work.  This time it just had to.

I absolutely love it here.  While it has taken me some time to get comfortable with my surroundings and develop a community, I am finally feeling more at home.  Recently I realized that despite my wonderful surroundings, I still have a lot of work to do on myself- and I am just figuring out the root of my issue.

I need to love myself more- for you can’t truly love something else until you love yourself.

This next chapter of my life isn’t so much about working on what’s happening on the outside, but focusing on the inside.  Once I am comfortable in my own home- within myself- I know that my mind will be much more at ease, and I’ll be able to give more to others.  We all have a purpose, and my current mission is to “clean house” and get rid of the negative self-talk, cognitive distortions and my warped self-esteem that holds me back.  I must let go of my fears- whether it is abandonment, shame or pride, and learn to finally believe in myself the way the ones I love do.

Here’s to the next chapter and a clean house- both physically and mentally.

“Peace comes from within. Don’t seek it without.” -Buddha

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Wherever You Go, There You Are

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The other day I was chatting with someone about the joy in living simply (and how I wasn’t always this way), but expressed my concern about not establishing “roots” in any one place over the past decade.

Although I’ve experienced many different things and lived in some of the most exciting cities in the country- San Francisco, Austin, New York, Chicago and Boston, from time to time I wonder what my life would look like today if I had committed to one place and “established” myself; whatever that means.

Sometimes I think this means working at the same job for several years; other times I think it means buying a house or starting a family.  What exactly have I been doing the past ten years, anyway?  My mind started to wander.

The response I received made me feel 100% better:

“You don’t need roots. They’re an identity. Attachments are a false sense of self we are addicted to.”

How accurate.  I realized the wealth of life lessons that I have experienced over the years and felt extremely grateful.  I also reached an important conclusion: wherever you go, there you are. 

I’d much rather have a strong sense of self than a bunch of stuff.  I may not have my own house, but I can take myself anywhere and still be content.  I may only have a few pieces of luggage, but I have peace of mind.

I also have been thinking back to where I was a year ago today, and funny enough, it was a rainy, windy day in New York City- just like today in Boston.  At this time last year, I was struggling with finding my focus within my career (or lack thereof), holding on to a negative relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, living with unmanageable anxiety and wondering where my next paycheck would come from.  It was no way to live.  Looking back, I only remember the happy memories though- like the beautiful blossoms on Reade Street, the amazing friendships I made and the inspiration all around me that influenced me to start writing and stop feeling sorry for myself.

You find yourself within yourself- not where you set your “roots.”

While I still have no idea what my life will look like next year, today I feel a little more confident in knowing that there’s a plan for me, as long as I stay mindful, positive and am open to possibilities.

Today, I just choose to be happy.

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