Being stuck on the train is always a good time to start a new post.
Appropriately, this made me start to think about patience.
2018 has been yet another year for self discovery, picking yourself back up, and learning to think differently in this crazy world we live in. In January I set out with big hopes and dreams, got discouraged when they didn’t work out fast enough, and lost hope- briefly.
Then, at the end of August, I realized an important lesson: life has other plans for me.
Instead of looking at the outside to determine my success and worth, I began to look even deeper within.
I found myself going back to teaching this past fall while I continue to write, work on myself, and help others learn to live their best life. I hadn’t expected to start teaching again, but the opportunity appeared right when I least expected it.
We try so hard to perfectly plan each move we make, only to find that life works on its own timeline. Each detour provides a lesson to react differently than we have in the past, whether it’s a stopped train in Cambridge or coping with a loss.
As I work with others in every area of my life, I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned in 2018 and try to implement them on a daily basis. On some days I learn patience with students, and on others I learn to let unkind words roll off my back.
Life certainly does have its own timeline, and it’s my job to make the most of everything it brings my way.
As I strolled through the Back Bay and down to the Esplanade yesterday, I felt a new sense of freedom. It was a beautiful fall day, and I had the chance to head to my favorite spot in Boston- the Charles River.
The freedom I felt was greater than just being able to take time out to enjoy nature, though- it was a sense of freedom within.
I went to a meeting where I saw some people from my past who I avoided due to resentments- and not only did I face those people for the first time in over a year, I raised my hand and spoke about it.
“Resentments kept me sick and my secrets held me hostage.”
For a long time, I only let half of my true self be known.
People in the group nodded and smiled. Over the years, I found every reason in the book to avoid groups, places, jobs, family, or friends- all due to uncomfortable feelings, resentments, or disagreements. Running was my favorite pastime- but not in the jogging sense of the word. I ran from discomfort.
“I’m no longer willing to water down my story or hide from the world,” I continued. In the past I was extremely fearful of judgment or rejection- but the only person that hurt was me. The more honest I am, the more I learn how accepting others are- but I also learn which people don’t matter.
I’ve been working on being my authentic self, loving my truth, and owning my story no matter what others have to say about it, and that is the greatest freedom of all:
It’s so interesting to see how living with a high vibration can change your everyday encounters with the people around you.
Case in point, at my last job (a stern law office with many unhappy people), my happy-go-lucky personality and friendly demeanor was, well, uncomfortable for others. It took me a month or two to realize this, but then after watching an episode of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” I realized I probably had to tone it down a notch (does anyone know what episode I’m talking about? So good).
Nevertheless, I tried. I tried to “keep my head down,” stay quiet, and focus on work I had no interest in. It was nearly impossible though, because as a creative type and lightworker, I wanted to engage, connect, and make the office more pleasant. Alas, I was required to take orders from young attorneys who didn’t understand social media and type up documents I wasn’t trained on.
After three and a half months of this, I knew this legal job would be the last; as I stepped into the person I have learned I am, I needed to find a more suitable environment.
Perhaps this job would have worked well for me when I arrived in Boston in December 2016. I was broken yet optimistic, eager to learn yet still finding her footing. The structure of a more corporate environment could have shaped me into a completely different person than I am today- but fortunately, I was surrounded by healing, artistic, loving people who taught me the joys of meditation, kindness, and self-love.
That brings me to today- over a year and a half after I first arrived in Boston to start a new life. I have come a long way since that chilly December morning when I landed at Logan Airport, and my self-discovery journey will continue every day for the rest of my life.
In my first Mindful in Style YouTube video, I chatted about how carrying a high vibration can affect you (and others) in even a fun, energetic environment where you feel of service and (think you) fit in. Something small, yet still stung, happened today- but I was able to quickly put it into perspective.
Perhaps I could have taken their comments the wrong way, or perhaps others actually were being cruel- but as I left my new job today, I heard people making fun of me when they thought I had left.
Had I not used a goofy word, “weekend-ish,” been so upbeat, or flat out said “this job is fun,” perhaps they wouldn’t have teased me. Maybe it didn’t matter what I did. Maybe they’re going through their own issues. Despite the reasons, it does not matter.
I don’t have to let the outside world determine my internal condition.
As I looked at Boz the bear when I came home today, I smiled and sat on my bed. I remembered how far I have come, and how petty frustration or sensitivity is so unimportant in my life today. I can finally say goodbye to the defensive, snappy person with a guard up and a chip on her shoulder and live with grace, not aggression.
Hopefully those people enjoy their weekend as much as I do, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll use the word “weekend-ish” one day, too.
Back in July 2016, as I was packing up my New York apartment and shipping boxes upon boxes back to Michigan, I had no idea what direction my life was going. Vodka in hand, soul empty, and nerves on fire, my heart was broken.
I had officially failed at my life in New York City. It was the only thing I ever wanted; to work in fashion. To live on the Upper West Side. To mingle with famous writers, actors, designers, and socialites. To have a drink at lunch without judgement.
Then, I got it- and I ruined it.
Sure, most of those things are silly; but the career part was what hurt the most. For some reason, however, at the time I didn’t realize I didn’t ruin anything.
I just took a break.
What I didn’t realize back in 2016 was that I didn’t need to purge all of my stuff to become “mindful.” I didn’t need to abandon my love for style just because I needed to step back and work on myself for a while. I didn’t need to drop my #OOTD pictures just to be a happy, confident person on the inside- for my fashion is no longer my mask.
It’s an expression.
What used to be a shield of protection is now a bridge to connect with others.
Style connects. Style speaks. Style inspires.
That said, I have been thinking lately about starting on a few new projects on my off-work hours, and perhaps I’ll even start painting in color- not just gold. 🙂
Life is too short not to do the things you love- and it feels wonderful to be alive again.