Home is Where the Heart Is

As I drank my morning coffee, James Taylor came on my iTunes.  Reminding me of a note I scribbled on my boarding pass, these lyrics spoke to me:

You can play the game,
You can act out the part,
Though you know it wasn’t written for you.
Tell me how can you stand there with your broken heart,
Ashamed to playin’ a fool?

I gave Boston everything I had- I reached deep into my soul looking to find home in the city, not realizing I had been avoiding love from those who mattered most: my family and friends in Michigan.

You can run but you cannot hide,
This is widely known,
Now what you plan to do
with your foolish pride,
when you’re all by yourself alone?

Today, I no longer have to hide in a big city, put on a facade, or be alone.

I have been showered with love, and since I finally am learning to accept that love, I am showering the people with my love, too.

Shower the people you love with love,
Show them the way you feel,
Things are gonna be much better, if you only will.

False Strength: Coming Home

Three years ago I took a one way flight to Boston.  Seemingly fearless and free, my eyes were wide open and my heart was full of hope.

Although my life on the outside was often beautiful, I still had a hole within my soul.  I did anything I could to fill it- healthy friendships, meditation, sobriety, spirituality, nature, crystals- you name it.  Even the best supports, jobs, or material things left me empty.

What could be wrong?

Looking for fulfillment, I moved all over since 2008- San Francisco, Austin, New York, Chicago, Boston- anywhere I could to live that “city girl” persona.  I spent holidays alone, navigated new cities by myself, and thought I would be happiest single.

I didn’t think I needed love, family, or support.  But that was what I need the most.

It may have taken me over a decade to realize I didn’t have anything to prove to other people- because I know in my heart who I am, what matters, and what I have to offer the world.

Thank you for three beautiful, turbulent, enlightening years, Boston. You helped me learn that I no longer have to run from those who love me, but most importantly, from myself. ❤️

Grateful for this next chapter.

Isolating Feels Good Until It Doesn’t

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been in major loner isolation mode.

At first, it felt good.  It was nice to go home after work and relax.  I liked saying no to invitations.

It seemed like self-care to go on long walks with no one to answer to.  I enjoyed getting a morning croissant by myself and eating it alone in the park.

Then, people start wondering what’s wrong.  They start worrying about you.  But nothing’s wrong; you’re just enjoying your own time.

But are you?

Even now, sometimes I am still scared to connect with people.

There’s a fine line between isolation and spending quality time by yourself.  For me, I just realized it may be becoming a problem when I feel anxiety about responding to people who care about me.

But lately, I’ve just needed a break.  To reset.  To recharge.  To decompress.

But now that I’ve recharged, I feel a little bit empty.

That discontent feeling I now have is a sign that I need more balance.  My alone time is important to me, but connecting with others is important too.  Sometimes I forget that it isn’t all about me, either- sometimes other people need help.  They care about me.  They miss me.

Sometimes it’s still hard for me to accept that.

For years it seemed easier to try to do everything on my own, so letting other people in is a big change for me.  It’s uncomfortable.  But, I’m working on it.

This week, my goal is to break out of my shell a bit more- and maybe even go get a croissant with another person.