Lately I have been seeing a lot of propaganda online about what is on trend, what not to wear and worse, what men want you to do and how they want you to look. From how to act to what to shave, I have begun holding silly resentments at those articles and the people who wrote them. At the risk of sounded bitter or jaded, I’ve got to say- who cares “what men want?”
I would rather be alone forever than change for someone else.
This is probably why I have been single for nearly three years; I am quite stubborn and fiercely independent. I’ll run away when things don’t work out instead of staying in an unhappy relationship. Appropriately, my editor at Thought Catalog wrote this article that popped up in my Facebook feed, which couldn’t be more perfect for today’s sentiments.
I have dabbled with dating apps while living in Boston, only to have a few dry conversations and less-than-stellar dates. Nothing has stuck… not even a good laugh or a friendship. It’s always the same thing- “how do you like Boston?” “What do you do for work?” “You seem to move a lot.” “Do you ever take off your sunglasses?”
Stop. Better yet, I need to stop.
I’ve felt judged and belittled, which is all on me. This certainly isn’t a period of my life where my stress level can tolerate dating, what others think of me or the “big picture.” I need to focus on myself and the now.
I’ve repeatedly thought, “maybe this time will be different,” hoping to find a diamond in the rough. Dating used to come naturally for me, but at 30-something I continually find disappointment. It’s just not time yet. I’ve run back to unhealthy past relationships because I know what I’m going to get, which just fuels the insanity.
After talking with a good friend on Sunday about our shenanigans, we came to the conclusion that we both just need to focus on ourselves. Old traumas are brought to the forefront when I meet people who try and change me for their own fancy, something I didn’t really acknowledge until this past spring. While it would be nice to have a buddy to do things with, explore the east coast, drink coffee with in the morning and talk to at night, I have plenty on my plate to keep my life full.