They say to let go of old things in your life to make room for the new. I agree with this wholeheartedly.
So what happens when you’ve let go and you don’t know what’s next?
That’s where I am at right now. Eleven months ago I moved to Boston with a clean slate, and as a year approaches, my feelings of “what’s next?” are back. It’s been a wonderful time of healing, learning, living, and letting go- and as I continue to walk down a new, spiritual path, I’m unwilling to go back to my old, comfortable ways.
I’ve been tested quite a bit these past few months- people have re-entered into my life, challenging situations have presented themselves, and I have interacted with people who brought back painful memories and feelings of inadequacy. Upon reflecting on this past eleven months, I realized that the same types of people and situations have continued to appear, no matter what city I was in or what I was doing, for years. Facing the real, deep-down issues have been the only way for me to truly let go- and move on. The universe will continually send people and situations your way until you get it right and pass the test. I spent years burying emotions and covering up pain, but it continued to resurface until I addressed it.
“Quick fixes” no longer work in my life, either- people, places, and things no longer make me happy. A job, money, new home, or boyfriend- those things don’t make me happy, either. I can recall some of the most beautiful memories of my life- vacations, events, summer days- feeling absolutely miserable.
I used to think that your “life on paper” determined what made you successful, but now I know that true success is on the inside. I’ve been whisked off to Hawaii, taken to wonderful dinners, and gone on shopping sprees. I also know what it’s like to force a smile for photos; for nothing will bring happiness if you’re unsettled in your soul.
Until this past year, I’ve spent my entire life looking for something else to make me happy, not knowing that I had to find it within myself. I didn’t realize I had to let go of past pain and accept me before the real “living” could begin.
So, now what? I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted, but now I am not so sure. Maybe that is why this period has particularly uncomfortable for me; I have finally stopped resisting, and started accepting that I am different. That it’s okay if my path isn’t like anyone else’s. That I don’t need to do what everyone else is doing. It’s not easy to live life one day at a time and to have faith in the future, but I’m grateful to have tools to get through this crazy life, minute by minute.