Growing Pains

Today I uncomfortably sat with being uncomfortable.

I woke up feeling anxious with nothing to feel anxious about.  I didn’t have anywhere to go, and I didn’t have anything important to do.  So, I made coffee.

I took my cup and went to sit by the river.  I meditated.  I had so much time to think.  I wondered what I would do with myself all day… but I just kept on sitting with myself.

I was tempted by distractions- but I didn’t give in.  I forced myself just to be.

It certainly wasn’t easy.  People having fun on social media, the news, stories of tragedies and people losing everything made me feel even more depressed, but then a wave of gratitude came over me.  I may not have much going on, but I don’t have anything to worry about.

Lately I’ve been feeling a little blue about my state of impermanence, yet that is the same state that makes me feel grateful.  Although I don’t have much to lose, I also have everything to gain.  I’m building my foundation of being okay on my own, with what I have, and where I am at.  These feelings of discomfort are actually growing pains- and tomorrow, if I still feel this way, I have to remember that I’m making progress.

I didn’t give in to old habits of self destructing or numbing my feelings.  I didn’t run around aimlessly feeling alone, looking for things to do or people to talk to.  I successfully spent the entire day reflecting, journaling, but most importantly, healing.

Maybe the past decade of running has finally come to a halt.  Maybe I’m finally building the blocks in order to keep the blessings that come into my life- not push them away.

I’m grateful for these growing pains- and tonight, I will rest easy, knowing tomorrow is a whole new day of manifesting a wonderful life. 

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