“You can’t be fearful and grateful at the same time.”
As I reflect on the past five months in Massachusetts- where I was at before I arrived, where I was at when I settled in, and where I am at now, I think about how resistant I was to ask for help. I felt I needed to be strong; that I needed to do everything on my own in order to prove to those around me (particularly the naysayers) that I could bounce back from a difficult year.
It was a lonely place- a place I was stuck in until very recently.
I have always been fearful of rejection and criticism. Instead of focusing on self-care when I got here, I focused on appearing like everything was fine. Deeply lonely but throwing myself into work, I journaled, read self-help books, created my blog, meditated and more- but I still found myself isolated and empty.
Over the years I looked for external ways to fill the void inside; shopping, alcohol, dating. Although I learned that those things only made me feel emptier inside, I failed to do the one thing that I had been resisting for so long: looking for spirituality through other people.
With a clear head and wide eyes, my fear is starting to slip away. Over the past couple of weeks I have opened my heart and myself up to those around me; the people that have given me love, hope and strength. There have been many changes in my life and within my own perspective that I have recently acknowledged, and one of those changes lies within my purpose. I have felt I have merely been “going through the motions” for the past few months, wondering “what exactly is the meaning of life?” As I continue to write, help others and look for a career that fits my passions and my purpose (spreading the message of hope to others who have been through what I have), I have nothing but gratitude from the women in my life, especially here in Cambridge, who have shown me that I am whole on my own.
This morning I have an immense amount of gratitude to those who have helped make my transition easier, have taught me to lighten up, and helped me learn to love myself.
Thanks to a little help from my friends, I live in the solutions- not the problems.