Boston: Chapter Two

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It has been about five months since I started this blog, just six days after I took a one-way flight to Boston.  Prior to coming here I had no idea what my plan was- after over two years in New York City, a failed attempt at trying out Chicago, and finally taking a much-needed month long reset in Mississippi, I followed my intuition and spiritual guides… and found myself back on the East Coast.  It feels wonderful to be on the water, where I belong… where I feel at peace.

Over the years I have had a lot of shame in telling my story, but now I finally feel ready to free myself of this.  People often look at me strangely when I explain the past decade of my life.  Somehow, for some reason, it’s unfathomable for a 20-something year old from the Midwest to have lived in various cities across the US.  They can’t wrap their heads around the fact that I’ve tried different types of jobs, been in several different relationships, and lived in the North, South, East and West.  Most of society seems to enjoy consistency and stability.  Personally, I like to challenge myself- and what better time to learn who you are than when you’re young and unattached?  I am always searching, always seeking a deeper purpose or meaning.  That’s just me.

Back in November, I had no idea what I would find in Boston.  I didn’t know where I would work, where I would live, who I would be friends with or how I would fill my spare time, but I knew it would work.  This time it just had to.

I absolutely love it here.  While it has taken me some time to get comfortable with my surroundings and develop a community, I am finally feeling more at home.  Recently I realized that despite my wonderful surroundings, I still have a lot of work to do on myself- and I am just figuring out the root of my issue.

I need to love myself more- for you can’t truly love something else until you love yourself.

This next chapter of my life isn’t so much about working on what’s happening on the outside, but focusing on the inside.  Once I am comfortable in my own home- within myself- I know that my mind will be much more at ease, and I’ll be able to give more to others.  We all have a purpose, and my current mission is to “clean house” and get rid of the negative self-talk, cognitive distortions and my warped self-esteem that holds me back.  I must let go of my fears- whether it is abandonment, shame or pride, and learn to finally believe in myself the way the ones I love do.

Here’s to the next chapter and a clean house- both physically and mentally.

“Peace comes from within. Don’t seek it without.” -Buddha

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Wherever You Go, There You Are

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The other day I was chatting with someone about the joy in living simply (and how I wasn’t always this way), but expressed my concern about not establishing “roots” in any one place over the past decade.

Although I’ve experienced many different things and lived in some of the most exciting cities in the country- San Francisco, Austin, New York, Chicago and Boston, from time to time I wonder what my life would look like today if I had committed to one place and “established” myself; whatever that means.

Sometimes I think this means working at the same job for several years; other times I think it means buying a house or starting a family.  What exactly have I been doing the past ten years, anyway?  My mind started to wander.

The response I received made me feel 100% better:

“You don’t need roots. They’re an identity. Attachments are a false sense of self we are addicted to.”

How accurate.  I realized the wealth of life lessons that I have experienced over the years and felt extremely grateful.  I also reached an important conclusion: wherever you go, there you are. 

I’d much rather have a strong sense of self than a bunch of stuff.  I may not have my own house, but I can take myself anywhere and still be content.  I may only have a few pieces of luggage, but I have peace of mind.

I also have been thinking back to where I was a year ago today, and funny enough, it was a rainy, windy day in New York City- just like today in Boston.  At this time last year, I was struggling with finding my focus within my career (or lack thereof), holding on to a negative relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, living with unmanageable anxiety and wondering where my next paycheck would come from.  It was no way to live.  Looking back, I only remember the happy memories though- like the beautiful blossoms on Reade Street, the amazing friendships I made and the inspiration all around me that influenced me to start writing and stop feeling sorry for myself.

You find yourself within yourself- not where you set your “roots.”

While I still have no idea what my life will look like next year, today I feel a little more confident in knowing that there’s a plan for me, as long as I stay mindful, positive and am open to possibilities.

Today, I just choose to be happy.

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